5 – Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party

Previous entries - 1 2 3 4

This one has taken me a while for a couple of reasons. The election actually starting and I figured I needed to give Stephen Harper and his Conservative Party “special” attention. As far as the name goes it’s not all that horrific. It says what they are, end of story. However, the story of how the name came about is actually kind of exciting. There used to be two parties, the Progressive Conservatives were one of the original parties in Canada. They were fiscally conservative but socially progressive in a lot of ways. Or maybe it was the other way around, I can’t recall. They’ve had one hell of a ride over the years in politics. In the eighties, under Brian Mulroney they had this massive majority in parliament but he decided that the metaphor of the mouse lying with the elephant wasn’t good enough so he decided to insert the mouse that is Canada so far into the elephant that is the USA that this country would essentially become the 51st state. In the next election they were reduced to two seats and lost their official party status.

Then out west this party called the Reform Party started up. They were sick and tired of the more or less useless PC party bumbling to reassert itself nationally. They were grassroots and Western – bright shiny and new. Then something happened and they became the Canadian Alliance and became scary in the bible-belt, Adam and Eve are my ancestors and rode dinosaurs to church every Sunday, scary. Eventually, Peter MacKay leader of the PC party and Stephen Harper, leader of the Canadian Alliance finally made a truce and formed the Conservative Party. Look, they had meetings around tables and everything so you know they're serious. If you look closely at the picture above it looks like MacKay is restraining himself from ripping off Harpers head and using it for a toilet. Harper looks infatuated.

That is a very brief summary of events, and the potential for conflict and storytelling is massive, as you may well imagine. They are the closest thing to having a Secret Society of Supervillians as a political party as anyone will ever see. Harper and MacKay are always at each other’s throats, and have secret meetings behind each other’s back – there was a public abandonment when Belinda Stronach dumped MacKay and joined the Liberal Party. This is Villains United or the current JSA Classified arc except the only torture involved is in us, the electorate having to listen to these jackasses.

So, with the new party comes a new logo. Not since Bert & Ernie were two men more excited about a letter than Harper and MacKay when they released this logo. It’s a bit of a mobious strip “C” with a maple leaf. It’s okay, but it doesn’t scream conservatism to anyone. I do like the design though, it’s clean and clear. It’s actually quite hip when you think about the source. Not bad gentlemen you could slather this on each other’s chest with liquid latex.

Now let’s have a look at ole Stevey-Boy. OH. MY. GOD. That is an offence to all fans of the Village People, the Village People, cover bands of the Village People and anyone with eyes. I know you wanted to appear more personable and get out of the suit every now and again, by c’mon. Get your kids to make you a faux-hawk and dye it blue, this is just sad, and wait, I need to stick needles into my eyes if I’m to continue….Thalse betataar. Thankfully I can touch type so it won’t affect me except for the sweet release of blinding pain. I think you need to stop attending the pancake breakfasts if you don’t want this leather to pop.

Then there’s the haircut. He is actually giving Donald Trump a run for his money as far as utterly ridiculous haircuts go. Did your dad bring you for a haircut when you were like four and since then you’ve been saying “gimme the usual” ? Because that’s what it looks like. It look impenetrable and just utterly, utterly ridiculous. If this was “Hot or Not” that hair cut would rate a “Fucking Hideous.” If you bent at the waist and ran at brick walls, could you eventually smash through them Stevey-Boy?

When I read his biography online I noticed that Mr. Harper does want to be a hero. He desprately, desprately wants people to revere him, love him and vote for him. This is the first line of his bio “Stephen Harper has spent his political career standing up and speaking out for Canadians who work hard, pay their taxes and play by the rules.” He wants to be Superman. I take comfort that at some point the Conservative Party will kill off Stephen Harper to go up in the polls, and have his role assumed by four unlikely successors, a robot, a younger copy of Mr. Harper who was created using Mr. Harper and Peter MacKay’s combined DNA, a cloned copy of Mr. Harper, and Shaquil O’Neil. I’d watch those debates.

Not a bad thing to stand up for Canadians who work hard, but what about those who are hardly working? Those watercoolers won’t drink themselves you know. Okay, taxes, whatever – give me a break on mine and I’d consider voting for anyone. Now comes the part that got up in my craw and wouldn’t leave “play by the rules.” That is such a “kid who was pushed into the mud on a regular basis in primary school” thing to say. I bet he ran to the teacher whenever a situation started. It’s great to play by the rules if everyone agrees on them, but a major point of Mr. Harper’s campaign and his party’s is that the rules aren’t fair and need to change. They exist simply to change the rules. Playing by the rules is a completely empty statement when uttered by this man. One of the first orders of business is to overturn the ruling on same sex marriage which is now legal and have another vote on it. So the rules are good, and we should all play by them, unless Harpy’s supporters don’t like them and they need to change because they will utterly destroy the moral fabric of this free, just and socially responsible society. Yes, that’s the Canada we all know and love – the one were we get rid of healthcare for every Canadian, and ensure that every Canadian is never treated equal to all others.

So let’s see how they would change things and I’ll add the truth in parentheses.

His plan for Canada tackles the real issues that matter to Canadians. A Harper-led government would:
- Help individuals, families and entrepreneurs get ahead by lowering taxes, rewarding hard work and making it easier to save; (unless you are homosexual)
- Help our seniors preserve their hard won gains through fairer taxes, better service from bureaucrats and by opposing ‘death taxes’; (unless you are homosexual)
- Improve the quality of life in communities by improving access to health care, offering choice in child care and tackling violent crime; (unless you are homosexual)
- Fight waste, mismanagement and corruption in Ottawa by enacting and enforcing tough anti-corruption and accountability measures; (unless you are homosexual) and
- Stand up for Canada by defending our national interests in trade disputes, securing our borders and treating all provinces with respect. (unless you are homosexual)

Holy Gingerbread Jesus, he’s Bizarro not Superman!

Super Hero Name: Leather Pancake Daddy
Super Powers: He can only ever speak the opposite of what he really means. Impenetrable head. Clever ploys.
Weaknesses: Prone to failure and defeat at the hands of his enemies (because he likes it). Leather vests.
Superhero Team: Bibleous Thumpus – aka Secret Society of Harpies.