Saturday, November 26, 2005

3 - Ron Gray and the Christian Heritage Party

Well, what can you say about the Christian Heritage Party really? I could try to get through the entire post without making fun of Christianity but I am not big enough or clever enough to do so. So right off the bat I’m thinking, really crappy name. If it was the Christian Crusaders or the Knights of the High Holy Christ, that would be intimidating. Christian Heritage Party sounds like Sunday School to me. And how exactly to you throw a party to celebrate Christian heritage? I guess you could sit around and try to turn water into wine and serve the whole party with one fish and one loaf of bread. Besides that your stuck with wandering deserts, giving up your worldly possessions and comparing people to lotuses or something – if only we could all survive off photosynthesis like the Christians want us to. Getting nailed to various wooden objects? Otherwise aren’t all our statutory holidays based on Christian heritage already?

Then there’s the logo. It’s actually not too bad if you get rid of the text. I guess the rising Maple Leaf is representative of these guys rising Canada out of the sea if the Canadian Action Party succeeds in their hidden mandate. Onward Christian soldiers indeed. Good to know there is someone clever enough to see Lady Canaction for what she truly is. Or, no wait a second, that’s just the spirit of Canada rising once it’s dead isn’t it? Ah, fuck, that doesn’t help.

Well let’s hope the leader is kind of heroic. Ronny? Oh, sorry I don’t have to file my taxes until April. Oh wait you’re the leader? Dang, I was hoping you guys would break from tradition and get anyone other than an old white guy as a Christian leader, I mean even Jesus was technically Jewish. What are you’re super powers – you can balance a cheque book, righteous indignation, turning the other cheek, rapture? Oh, I’m right, okay then. What about a name now – Christian Soldier, nope. I know, since you’re the Leader of the Christian Heritage Party you will now adopt the identity of Herry Christian. You see that? What I did there? I made a sixties Marvel comic pun of Hari Kristna.

The battle cry of “Your Responsible Alternative” just isn’t working either. It’s all fine and great if everyone was Christian and agreed with you but since half the population is women and of all the men, not all are Christians, this sort of rings hollow. Still, good for you guys for trying. You do have a nice idea if it didn’t conflict so much, and at least you’re up front about not wanting to keep church and state separate.

Superhero Name: Herry Christian
Super Powers: Cheeks of steel, Ethereal Form once dead, Righteous indignation, sunbeams, balanced finances.
Weaknesses: Crumbles under examination, stigmata, human form.
Superhero Team: The Hairy Christians
Overall Rating : D+

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