Thursday, November 24, 2005

2 - Constance (Connie) Fogal and the Canadian Action Party

Hot damn! The Canadian Action Party. Points for a very superhero team inspired name. It’s got Action in the title so instant points for Ms. Fogal being the super-leader of a superhero team. Except that it sounds a bit like a superhero team name from the early nineties. You know it’s exciting because it has action in the name. The only better name would be the Canadian Boob Party. Dave would appreciate that. Then again if you go by the acronym it’s CAP. That’s kind of lame. It sounds like some sort of support group. Welcome to the monthly meeting of Circumcised And Proud, CAP Session 4582 will now come to order. Negative points for lame acronym.

So let’s have a look at things here. Logo – check. But damn that’s ugly. Okay, it has a silhouette of Canada on it, but it's tilted or something. It says your view of Canada is skewed. Then the small swirly text has got to go as does the word "hope" lost in the sea of blue. Sure those of us who own a globe can recognize Canada so we’d know Ms. Fogal was Canadian but this logo really doesn’t say much more than that, except maybe that Canada is hoping to be blue for some reason? Is this a Sub-Mariner defense league or something? Or is it a pro-Atlantean movement trying to sink Canada into the depths of the seven seas? Come to think of it, the name of this group is sort of misleading. It’s just vague enough to be some cooky cult.

We’re the Action party (hear the swooshy sound effects whenever you read Action!). But what Action are you talking about – running, jumping, climbing, voting? Ummmm, actually we’re the sink Canada into the seas to become part of the true kingdom of Earth – Atlantis party. That doesn’t sound like a fun action.

Let’s have a look at the slogan. “Making a difference.” That’s sort of weak isn’t it. Why not “I’m helping, I’m helping”? I guess even doughnuts are making a difference in our society with the average weight on the increase as well as record rates of obesity and type two diabetes. That’s not the kind of difference I want to make though. I guess this isn’t exactly a misleading slogan since screaming this into battle while the villain pummels you is making a difference to the villain’ self-confidence levels and improving his or her megalomania.

Know, what can we call Ms. Fogal? Let’s have a look at her. Hmmm, well she does have the Canadian flag in the background, that’s patriotic – in the same way Bucky was patriotic. Or maybe Koryak is a better fit here. I’m still trying to come up with something better than Mistress Action, or Lady Action, or The First Lady of Canadian Action, or Canaction, actually I think I’ll go with Lady Canaction.

After minutes of research through their website, I think Lady Canaction would have been a great nineties superhero who later turns into a villain when her plan to sink Canada finally comes to light. Lady Canaction is able to tap into feelings of Anti-Americanism to increase her strength. She has set herself up as protector of the True North Strong and Free from imaginary foes. She has gotten her powers from some kind of paranoia inducing drug overdoes where she now fears the American Dollar Bill. Her aim and mission is to keep Canada separate from the United States of America – even if it means sinking it to the bottom of the Atlantic – or Pacific – or both, I suppose….

A quick Google image search reveals Lady Canaction is also a master of disguise. Makes you want to curl up to a wood fire in your footie pajamas with a cup of hot apple cider with some CBC radio on or maybe Masterpiece Theatre and she reads political polemics to you until you fall asleep to dream of one day achieving the freedom from the USA that you’ve already enjoyed for your entire existence. Say Gran, can you read the one about the smooth talking American bandit with the velvet mask who oppressed the proletariat again? That's my favourite. Then read the one about our glorious submersion into a glorious brine free from the oppression of the dreaded American Dollar bill.

Got to love those small parties, they’re all about the imaginary solutions to imaginary problems and text. Lots and lots of text.

Superhero Name – Lady Canaction
Super Powers – increases her strength by feeding off Anti-American sentiment, can whip a loonie fast enough to take out your eye, master of disguise.
Weaknesses – elections, essay competitions, photoshop
Superhero Team – The Action Team
Overall rating – C (hey they have what looks like a comic on their frontpage – it leads to nothing).

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