Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Nobody is asking the right questions...

...or at least the questions I want to hear answered.

See, last weekend CSIS arrested 17 guys on a terrorist sting. Big news. Well it turns out that one of their plots was to break into parliament and behead Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Brash you might say, ballsy at best, most of us think it would be simply impossible and/or extremely dumb. But hey it makes a GREAT HEADLINE so I've been reading it the entire course of my walk to work.

This got me thinking why the real questions don't get asked. For instance, who thinks it's a good idea to behead any politician? At this time in Canadian history they're kind of like those mutts who've been at the pound too long and are like an hour from being put down anyway. I guess that's the curse of a minority parliament they need to be all puppy faced and charming because there could be an election at any time. Really though, it's more like putting down a horse that broke it's leg - or looked like it was about to anyway. It's kind of like - oh you mean now they can't raise my taxes, give themselves a pay raise and appoint their friends to the Senate - man, that's a shame, a terrible terrible loss.

But Stepehen Harper? Really? You think he couldn't function without his head? I mean he was sucking Satan's cock so hard to win the last election he's become bloated from ingesting all that black demon seed. Are you telling me he wouldn't simply keep going? Either he'd pick up his head and reattach it or simply grow another one. I'm pretty sure he's the Hydra or some other demonic spawn.

Actually I think he's been functioning without a head for a while. I mean he thinks $25 a week is a childcare plan. That's not even my comic book addiction. I guess it means I'll be stuffing third world residents into the trunk of my sedan when I get one. "Hey paco, watch the kids, don't touch them you ain't got your shots yet and I don't want my child in a hepatitis commercial!" (ed's note - I have a friend called Paco and he really did get hepatitis from a pool in Mexico). I guess it doesn't matter when you make the Prime Minister's salary.

But what really gets me is that these guy's with the plan obviously don't recall a lot of current events. I mean it wasn't very long ago that some dude broke into Jean Chretien's residence when the RCMP in the guard house fell asleep. The PM's wife heard him break in and woke up ol' Jean who simply locked the bedroom door and picked up an Inuit statue to bash the guy with should the door open.

People need to remember there's a reason you can play ultimate frisbee on the lawn in front of the House of Commons - our Prime Ministers can probably kick your ass. They're trained to get out of desparate and hopeless situations even if they have to bring the place and all their friends down with them. I've been to parliament, there's a lot of sharp and heavy blunt objects that aren't bolted down - no way I'd fuck with a parliamentarian.

I know this is sort of hard to grasp for you Americans where a child who loses her frisbee over the fence of the White House will get surrounded by guys in suits and cattle prodded, but our security budget for the Prime Minister is kind of hoping his friends will stick up for him. And you really are allowed to play frisbee on the lawn of parliament. Rick Mercer once said that the US spends ridiculous amounts on ensuring that the leader of the free world responsible to his own people can't be seen or reached whereas in Canada we hope the Prime Minister's wife is a light sleeper.

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